Everyone says they want
real. They want authentic. I always hear people complaining that social media
is a highlight reel and causes us to compare ourselves with one another’s best.
When in reality, we never show the double chins, kids screaming, dinner fails,
fights caused by miscommunication, piles of laundry, muffin tops, messy living
rooms….you know, all the “real stuff.” Wouldn’t it be great if we had a day for
this?? I mean just one DAY! Everything else gets a day (I mean, really not sure
when that started happening, but we even have National Cat Day. Seriously?). On
this day we could all post pictures of our failures, bad hair days, pictures
from the worst angles, fights with our loved ones, you get the idea. I
seriously think this needs to happen. #reallife
Anyway, today I want to be
real. I try my best to be honest and authentic with people, BUT I often don’t
tell the whole story of what may be happening-as to avoid over sharing or just
saving face (Hey, I’m a southern girl, we are the BEST at this).
Today I’m avoiding.
Actually I’ve been avoiding for several weeks. After chemo and radiation, I
found myself not knowing what to do in the day to day. For two months, my job
was to get out of bed and go to treatment, take my medication, and drink ALL of
my water. That was what I was to do. I knew I needed to go to bed at a decent
hour because the next morning, I had to get up and make sure there was time to
eat breakfast/have coffee and drink enough water before my radiation
appointment. I found myself looking forward to going to the cancer center every
day. I live alone and it gets lonely. I have amazing friends who were constantly
in touch, but it was hard and still is. Going to the Center was awesome because
not only did I get to socialize, everyone there understood me. I didn’t have to
explain that my hair was oily because I could not bear the thought of washing
it-getting out of bed was all I could do that day. I didn’t have to explain
anything because cancer was everywhere and it felt like home.
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| Port Surgery |
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| Last day of chemo |
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| Radiation Crew for Internal/External Treatments |
Now, I am done and hopefully forever. While most people
would be looking forward to going back to work in a couple of weeks, I am a
teacher and summer break starts in a few days. I am so happy that means that I
get paid and really do get a significant time to recover. However, I am
struggling. The day to day is hard. Finding purpose is hard. I have started
back running, but man….it is a challenge and totally sucks right now. I keep at
it, because I want to get back to the fitness level I was before all of this
crashed into my life. I want to hang out with people, but at the same time I
get so frustrated sometimes, even with those close to me. I want to talk about
cancer all the time, but I never want to talk about cancer. (Makes so much
sense, right?) I start feeling like no one understands and I begin to withdraw.
People don’t understand that just because treatment is done, that I am not
fine. Am I alive?? Yes. But y’all let me tell you what dealing with the
aftermath of a cervical cancer diagnosis looks like: it looks like dealing with
radiation side effects that I will live with including but not limited to
infertility, fatigue so great that you have to fight your way through normal activities, guilt and
joy of having hair, guilt and joy that your treatment seemed to work, having a renewed
sense of joy for life BUT being seriously paralyzed from the trauma you just went
through, and of course the lingering sting of having cervical cancer and the scarlet
“A” that comes with it.
So, if I am being real-like
everyone wants, I struggle with avoiding. A very practical example: The
hospital bills have started to pile up (literal piles)and I need to start writing
checks, look at money for the next couple of months, and get started on those.
BUT I avoid. It's overwhelming-the pile is overwhelming, the financial end is overwhelming. In my head, I know what to do. BUT I avoid.
And avoiding makes me feel
guilty.
So, I am choosing to
consciously make choices that are good for me, in hopes that those will spill
over into other tasks-like not procrastinating medical bills. The running is
good for me. Making myself go to lunch with friends, is good for me. Eating healthy is good for me. Stretching
out weekly errands so there is somewhere to go every day and continuing to see
my wonderfully awesome counselor, Tiffany. These are good things, that are helpful
and make a difference.
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| First post treatment run. Hardest run of my life. |
But see, I have to choose these things. I have to
constantly be aware and choose the best thing, even if it sucks. I think we
always have to choose, it’s just some seasons are so great we don’t even have
to think about it. It’s second nature to look at something, acknowledge its
difficulty, and tackle it. And some seasons are so hard that we are aware of
every choice, every breath, every move. If I’m real, I mess up a lot and don’t
choose the best thing, BUT I’m learning to have grace with myself-like I do
with people I love and care about. I’m learning to talk to myself like someone
I love. I’m learning that I am enough-even when I’m not. I’m choosing to see
the cup half full and embrace the new normal after cancer. I’m getting to know
this new girl. Me.
