A lot of people don't know this but one year prior to my starting cancer treatment, I was engaged. It's weird to even think of it now, since my entire life before cancer feels like a distant dream most days. But I was. I don't share much about, but it's part of my story that is much bigger than I like to admit. I was engaged and planning my life, babies, wedding venues, photos, all of it. My mind was on all things grey and yellow. I had even planned a doctor's appointment. I think because I'm pretty old school, and that's what my sister did, so did everyone else I knew. It was what I was supposed to do, so I scheduled it along with everything else I was scheduling. The day came around for my appointment and I had to miss it because I was in desperate need of a root canal that could not wait. I rescheduled the well visit for about a month later. It wasn't a big deal to me. I had not kept up with pap tests in recent years but I wasn't sexually active during that time and I felt fine. I had started running several years before, was off of blood pressure medications, my cholesterol was great, and I had never felt better.
In the month between the original well visit and the rescheduled date, things started to shift with my fiancé. He was under a lot of pressure in his career and we were planning a wedding. Seemed like arguments were happening more frequently and about things that didn't seem argument worthy to me. BUT, as someone who loved him I wanted to validate his feelings and accommodate him best I could. It seemed like within weeks I found myself questioning my entire belief system, who I was as a person, all of my actions, and behavior. I was highly encouraged to flee social media, not spend time with my friends, and to devote myself more to prayer...because my fiancé questioned my salvation and relationship with God (Now let me stop right here and say, who I am now would never allow this to happen, but I was a completely different person then. I did love this man. There were wonderful things about him, and in the spirit of "no one's perfect" I made LOTS of excuses).
I tried to fit into this idea, but it was hard. I was putting in my best effort. Things had started out so good, but I quickly found myself in arguments where the ideas and conversation was so convoluted that I had no idea what we were even talking about. This would make him angrier at me but nine times out of ten, I had no idea what I had done "wrong." I would make excuses like "Well, we are well into adulthood and set in our ways, this must be what it looks like to get married near 40." I remember calling my best friend, who has walked with me since babyhood, and explaining some of the things that were happening. She assured me that I wasn't nuts, but this man had me feeling crazy. He would be so normal, loving, and absolutely amazing one day, and have me in a frenzy the next trying to figure out what I had done to make him so angry and upset.
Two days before we were supposed to fly out to CA for him to meet my family and for me to meet his mother, things were going well and we were moving forward. We spent the entire day together, and had a wonderful time. The next day he told me that he couldn't go on the trip, claiming we had too much conflict between us. I was so confused and pretty devastated. My sister is the number one person in my life that you have to be able to get along with on some level to be with me, and he was bailing. We had flights, hotel reservations, everything. I was disappointed but thought if he needed space, I would try to respect that and give him what he needed.
I hardly heard from him the entire trip. My flight returned around midnight Sunday, and upon getting back to my parked car at the airport, the tire was flat. I called him to come help me and he wouldn't answer. I waited, called again, and texted...nothing. It felt like I called a gazillion times while I was waiting on State Farm roadside assistance to come help me. The following morning he called and said he had fallen asleep (this person lives his life on call, he wakes when the phone rings). We chatted about our day and made plans to hang out that evening. By the end of the day, he had called me and told me that he couldn't be engaged to me anymore and that he couldn't even be in a relationship with me because he had made me an idol. He lives 20minutes away and broke our engagement over the phone, and refused to see me or speak to me further about it.
I felt like such a failure! How could this have happened? I thought I was doing everything the right way this time around. I fell into a pretty dark depression. At the time I was teaching summer school, so I decided to finish out the term and then fly home to South Carolina and get my life together.
The first week I was back in SC, the doctor's office called to confirm my appointment. I had no idea when or if I was going back to Texas to stay, so when they asked about rescheduling again, I just threw out mid September. I thought at least by that time maybe I won't be crying at the drop of a hat and able to get out of the bed without my friend dragging me out and making me eat.
September came and I was back in Texas. All summer my closest friend and my sister had questioned me about getting an STD test. I laughed at them. I was 36 and had never had one, but I also had only had two sexual partners ever and most of all I FELT FINE! I figured if I had an STD, I would know it...no itching, burning, etc. my periods were fine, but since they were bugging me, when I went for my well visit I asked for an "STD test" when I had the pap portion of my well-visit.
One week later, the nurse called and told me that my pap test was abnormal and that I needed to see my gynecologist. She also said, "The STD test came back clean except you tested positive for HPV, but it's not a big deal everybody has that one." I was in complete shock that I could have something and not know it. In the following days, I was poked prodded, and cut. I learned a lot about HPV during this time as I went through a series of more pap tests, a colposcopy, and a cone biopsy. Ultimately I landed at The Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders, having a PET Scan and being diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer. I would ultimately need chemotherapy, radiation treatments, brachytherapy, and a radical hysterectomy. I would eventually have so many side effects from treatment that I would need a bladder and vaginal reconstruction and be diagnosed with stage 3 renal failure, or Chronic Kidney Disease.
I look back on that failed relationship and two things stick out to me. One, I was so devastated and confused that someone could claim to love me and ultimately end things the way he did. I grieved the loss of the relationship, and the dream of my life and a family with this person. It was extremely difficult as my heart was deep into the dream of finally building a family and having children. The way in which it had happened was so unsettling and a piece of the whole situation that felt completely unfair. I struggled with letting go of that. He had bailed out and then refused to speak to me. I stand by the fact that it was wrong, BUT after going through cancer I can honestly say, that being dumped by your fiancé with a phone call, is NOTHING in comparison. Cancer is such a perspective shifter, that its really hard to explain to anyone who hasn't had it. The things before cancer that were painful, they were still painful experiences, but it's nothing compared to the loss and fear you experience with cancer. The second thing that I am aware of is that if it had not been for this relationship, I don't think I would have made it in to see the doctor until much later, and by then it would have been a much different situation with my staging and treatment. I may not even be here. My GYN/ONC PA told me the first time I met her, during the oh-so-fun appointment where they go over your entire sexual history ever, that she could tell that talking about things was hard and painful for me. She connected with me in those moments and said, "I don't know why that happened to you and I'm so sorry, but it's exactly what got you in here. Now you have a chance." I will never forget that discussion. It was the first time I had seen a silver lining in that failed relationship. I made it to the doctor because I had been engaged.
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| Print by Scott Erickson |
So this week is a huge week for me. My bestfriend who kept me alive that long summer has been holding on to my engagement ring. See, I had a friend here in Texas, wrap it up and keep it at her house when it all went down. I was such a mess that I didn't want to see it at all much less deal with it. When I decided to go to SC, she handed it to me and said, "Give this to Jill as soon as you land." And I did. Through puffy red eyes and gigantic tears, when Jill picked me up at the airport I gave it to her and haven't seen it since. She and her husband had it appraised, but we didn't really talk about it for a long time. Then when I needed money going through treatment, we discussed it, and she and her husband started looking into the best way to sell it. We would discuss it here and there but I was able to cover the big things financially for a while, and it was just not on my radar. Cancer was my radar.
Just now, in the last few months I have started to feel better. It's been two years since my diagnosis and three years since my engagement. I have left my career as I can no longer keep up with the pace of teaching, and I am starting to transition into being a patient advocate. I am not at all on top of my finances. Like everyone else I talk to who has had cancer and issues afterwards, I am taking the hit and doing the best I can. It is what it is. BUT this week....my best friend sold my ring!! She even got more for it than we had originally thought! (I mean who really wants an old engagement ring unless it's an heirloom?). I also think this is a great testimony to the fact that sometimes you have to let other people carry things for you. The weight of that ring was too huge for me. I had friends step in and take if from me, so that I could focus on getting better-initially with my emotional health and ultimately with my physical health. Having this ring gone, marks the end of an era. It is FINALLY over. It may seem small but it was a bit of pre-cancer, unfinished business that was just hanging out there.
It's so true that we teach others how to treat us. I will always regret allowing someone to treatment me poorly, but I taught him that was okay. I can't imagine even being in a relationship and allowing certain things now. I laugh sometimes and say "cancer made my balls drop" but it really did. I have emerged as a hell of a fighter and someone who will do things afraid. It's also a fact that cancer takes, steals, and destroys so much. I am not here to tell you all the "good" that comes from it, because the truth is I hate it to the depth of my core, as it has destroyed my life, and robbed me of my dreams. It has stolen two years from me, a career, fertility, bladder and kidney health, even my vagina, and overall well being. I am in the process of rebuilding my life after cancer and chasing new dreams. I am thankful that I am able to catch a glimpse of sunshine after such a devastating storm.
