More YOLO

For as long as I can remember New Year’s Eve has made me sad. When I was little, it felt like the final call of the Christmas Season and a signaling of the inevitable return to school days. As I have gotten older, I think it’s been more of a combination of the end of Christmas mixed with this knot in my gut; this physical reaction to time continuing to pass. It’s always just felt melancholy.  And surely never like a celebration.

I went through a stage of doing resolutions and enjoyed doing that, as much as anyone I guess. I’m not anti-resolutions or choosing a word, or anything like that. I love the idea of starting over, fresh starts, and working towards goals. I really do. However, I have also seen more change in a 365-day time span than many see in five years. Maybe that’s just what happens as you get older. BUT, I look at other people my age and that doesn’t exactly fit the bill. For whatever, it has been my experience and it continues to shape how I view everything, including New Year’s Eve.

One would think that it would perpetuate this feeling of sadness and finality, that I have felt my entire life, but it’s quite the opposite. This is the first year, I can ever remember feeling different. I feel hopeful and excited. It’s not that I don’t realize how quickly time flies, or know and understand that things can change on a dime and be completely different by summer or the end of the year. It’s that I DO. See, it’s about the daily for me and not in some arbitrary way that I have read about in a book and aspire to be. IT REALLY IS my mindset and is taking hold in my decision making.

I’m finally doing things that make me afraid, not in a reckless way, but in a “today is all I’ve got” way. I have joked about “YOLO” being my word of the year. You really DO only live once, so why would you not go for all that you’ve wanted? Yeah, you might fall. If you do, it will suck, but get up and do it again. It’s not selfish to pursue dreams and follow your passions. You were created with those passions for a reason. The things that excite you, excite you for a reason. I want to do more of those things. That’s what I’m resolving to do. More of THAT.

Not Who You Are

I have decided that I really hate that from the time they are about four years old, we start asking children, “What do you want to be when you go grow up?” I think it is wonderful to have goals and to start instilling goal setting in children, early on.  I’m not advocating that we don’t have these conversations, but, I’m starting to think we have our approach all wrong. When we ask a child or young person, “What do you want to be?” it completely minimized and negates who they ARE. It takes who they are in that moment and indirectly says to them; What you are isn’t enough, and you need to be more. Think about it. Our entire culture is set up this way. We ask young children what they want to be. Then we ask teenagers what they want to be, and have they thought about what they want to study. By college we start asking what someone’s major is and if they are thinking about grad school, and THEN you start finding yourself at bars and parties and what do we ask, “So, what do you do?” I guess what I’m getting at, is that our culture is set up so, that our very identity is wrapped up in our careers.

It took me a while to figure out what I want “to be.” I didn’t have the traditional 4 years of college and then off to a career or grad school. I moved to Texas after my sophomore year of college to explore being in another state and to do a job that I loved. I did that job for a while before starting the path of finishing my degree. By that time, I had been working with children and families for several years and wanted nothing more than to be a teacher. It all sounds easy, but also by this time I was no longer on my mom and dad’s bill, so working and finishing my degree was actually really hard. BUT, I wanted nothing more than to be a teacher! At one time, toward the end, I was working 4 jobs and going to school to make it work.

I loved being a teacher. It combined my interests and gifts, and it was truly my dream job. I had worked so hard to get there and then there I was. Because of the sacrifices I made to make, it always felt even more valuable. I prided myself in the fact that I went for what I wanted, and the late nights and early mornings of having 3 or 4 jobs at any given time, had paid off. Teaching on Dallas’ southside and then teaching ESL in east Arlington was my dream and I was doing it. I was a TEACHER and when people asked me, “What do you do?” I was so proud to tell them.

In January of 2016, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had planned to work through treatment, but as it would turn out teaching 4-year olds and having to miss random days, find subs, come back to the mess of a sub, and a classroom of kids who were off their routine, never knowing if Ms. Lawson would be there or a random substitute, made it EXTREMELY difficult to work through treatment. It was the only time in my life that I WISHED I had, had a desk job. I went out on medical leave and I remember feeling so lost. It became spring and I LOVED teaching our spring units. It was so hard to not be in a classroom. Little did I know that would be the beginning of a very long and treacherous two years of chemotherapy, radiation, multiple surgeries, and the diagnosis of a chronic condition.  

Two school years later, I had missed more time than I worked. I had just been diagnosed with a CKD, brought on by chemo and a bladder reconstruction, on TOP OF the fact that I had just gotten through two years of emotional and physical distress. To be extremely honest, I was a terrible mess, but I wanted nothing more than to go back to teaching because it was WHO I was. It’s what I had worked so hard to do. It was ME.

I went back and it was nightmare. This post isn’t about that, so I’m not going to go into how difficult and hard it was, but I WILL tell you that making the decision to leave it behind was a struggle. And the reason it was so hard, even after all I had been through, was because my identity and who I am was so wrapped up in being a teacher. I have been gone now for a few months and it is still difficult, but I’m learning that who I am as a person and what I have to offer this world is not wrapped up in a job title.

See, I have a lot to offer outside of an elementary classroom. Those gifts that I have to be a rockin’ teacher, can be used in other areas of life. My interests and talents are not boxed in to a certain job position, but are transient and can be used in a variety of jobs and career choices! It was tough making the decision to leave and I continue to work through and process emotions. However, just like my cancer story, I’m not sure that I would change any of it. You see, it’s teaching me that I am more than what I have thought for many years. I am more than my job and no job defines who I am.

I had my first challenge with this on Friday night. My partner and I went to his office Christmas Party. I’ll be honest, I had mixed feelings because while I was excited to have a reason to dress up, I am also chronically fatigued and getting over shingles (thanks cancer immune system). I started getting ready for this 7pm party at 2 in the afternoon because it takes so long, and I knew that I would spend the rest of the weekend in bed getting over it. And I did.
Somewhere between unearthing some eyeshadow and finding a dress I still fit in, I started to feel a panic.

My brain: I don’t know any of these people. A few of the higher ups in his company know what’s going on with me, because he needs to adjust his schedule sometimes for my appointments and such. BUT for the most part this is going to be cocktail hour and dinner with people I do not know. Great. They’re probably going to ask me what I do. Maybe I should tell them I had cancer and now I’m a mess-that would actually be kind of funny to watch someone’s face if I said that. I should tell them about the 4 months I was in Depends. That would be hilarious. No but seriously, you need to have an answer. They WILL ask you.

So I spent the next few hours getting ready, and thinking: What do I tell them? I came up with and rehearsed a few standard lines about how I am a teacher, but I’m taking some time off from that to explore some other opportunities. After all, someone did tell me once (since I like to talk A LOT); “Holly, if someone asks you what time it is, you don’t have tell them how the clock was made.”  How true that is.

 Sure enough, I made it through about an hour before the question came up. When it did, I responded, “I taught for almost 10 years, but just left this school year to explore some other opportunities.” The guy nodded and said, “Oh, what other things are you considering?” SHIT! I didn’t really think much about follow up questions! I thought for a few seconds and responded, “Well, a couple of years ago I went through a cancer diagnosis and while I love teaching, it’s not really a good fit for me anymore. There’s a nonprofit that helped me through my cancer diagnosis and I’m devoting a lot of time and effort there. It makes me happy and I want to do what makes me happy.” I was ready to move on after that, but he moved his head back in shock and said, “Wow! I’ve never heard anyone say that before.” I said, “Yeah, it’s been a process and there are sacrifices that have been made, but at the end of the day and at the beginning of the day, I’m happy. I want to enjoy each day that I have. When the sun comes up, I want to look forward to what’s ahead. And now I do.” He was astounded and told me how much he admired that I had the courage and strength to do that and how he wishes he had more of it. We talked for a bit about how cancer had changed my life perspective and how bad things are often redeemed, on the other end.  I chatted for little while and then it was off to mingle with someone else. Before I moved on, he commended me again and reiterated that he had never met someone like me. Later I found out he is over my partner’s entire region. I was talking to a big wig and didn’t know. Kind of funny. But kind of great. Great because, yeah, I knew what company he worked for but in that conversation, it didn’t matter what his job title was. And for me, I was just me. In that conversation we were just two people talking. Two people connecting and chatting about world views. He was him and I was me. That is all.

Maybe some of you are reading this and thinking this is all some hokey BS and that’s fine. But I think I’m on to something and perhaps we would better serve our children by nurturing who they are as people and helping that flourish rather than constantly asking, "What do you want to be?' If a little boy wants to be a fire fighter, that is great. Let's speak to him about what courage and sacrifice look like and nurture and grow those things in him. Tell him when you see that in him, give that language, and help him flourish in those principles. As it is, our culture is so entrenched and set up to define us by our careers, and anything else that is tangible. I see it every day in the cancer community; someone having an identity crisis because they can’t--just fill in the blank. I struggle with it in other areas too, running and teaching being my main ones. But we are not those things and we are are not our careers, jobs, even roles in our family, etc. Those things are wonderful, and yes that is the go-to answer at a party. I am not knocking having goals, being good at your job, or any of that. BUT at the end of the day-if that was stripped from you-who would you be? Cancer forced me to answer that question. My hope is that it wouldn't take some devastation to help you answer: WHO would you be? Because THAT is who YOU REALLY ARE.

Post Party Pic. We were so tired, but glad we went.