I just came from lunch with a close friend. We have known
one another for a few years now, and there is much comfort in knowing that
someone knows your junk and chooses to stick around. As usual our lunch turned
into 2 and half hours of us sharing life and all the craziness it brings.
One of the ideas we camped around today, was sometimes our
heart truly desires things that are good, yet we may or may not ever get said
thing. I’m not even talking about actual things. Without throwing my friend
under the bus, I’ll just use myself as an example. I am 37. The last person
that I actually dated(until recently), I got engaged to. He was incredible. We started planning
our wedding, going to pre-marital counseling, discussing how our lives would
merge as a married couple, making plans to start a family etc. He made me feel like I was the only woman on
the planet. He knew what he wanted, and he wanted me…until suddenly he didn’t.
And he dumped me. I won’t say “clear out of the blue” because there was some
discord there for about a week, prior, but who doesn’t argue? Arguing doesn’t
mean you quit. To me if felt out of the blue, because it was nothing that
couldn’t be addressed and dealt with-if you love someone. But alas, he broke
our engagement and contact with me, without a lot of answers and I have had to
learn to deal with not understanding what happened. To let go of trying to fill
in the giant gaps and to accept the apology that I never got and probably never
will. Fast forward about 9 months and I get a cancer diagnosis. I am single and
having to make decisions about my reproductive health, alone.
So, I say all of that to say-my heart desires to be married.
That is a not a bad thing. I don’t even desire it above all. Trust me-after the
last go around (and some full on jokers in between who wanted to jerk me around), I really would be more
than okay. I can do my Netflix and hang out with Luna-and run lots of miles. I
can serve others and find so much joy in my job. I realize that happiness is
not found in finding a spouse and that I can live a fulfilling life that is God
honoring, without a husband. Totally get that. BUT I sure would like one. My
heart desires it. On super practical levels, it’s hard getting the groceries in
when I buy dog food. I want a man to help me. Sometimes I forget that I need
gas and its 9pm on Sunday-I have to choose to either go out again, or get up
earlier. I want a man to help me. I also hate taking the dog out in the rain
and giant bugs. I could totes use a man, y’all. Haha! AND I realize what all of
this actually communicates is that it’s hard being alone. I CAN be alone. I am
more than capable, but I don’t necessarily WANT to be alone. My heart desires marriage
(and for more than help with the dog food). J For whatever reason, this has not happened for me yet and
may not happen for me. I remember going to a wedding a couple of years ago, on
my birthday. These friends were amazing and made for one another. I really was so very
happy for them. What I didn’t tell them, or anyone else I was there with, was
that I had been dumped a year to the day (on my birthday), by a guy I dated for
over a decade, who decided that “he just wasn’t sure about me being the one
anymore, and he really wanted to date other people.” I remember feeling like my
heart was literally broken and sick. There I sat, a year later at the wedding
of two, fantastic people. I was happy for them, but it was hard to be there. Inside
my heart still hurt and questioned why it had not happened for me yet.
Today at lunch, those are the kinds of “things” my friend
and I were discussing and questions we were asking ourselves. See, I think true
friends do their best to hold up mirrors to one another, in love, and have hard
conversations. So today, we asked ourselves is it okay to be around others who have what we want and
acknowledge the pain that may be caused by our heart’s desire not being
fulfilled? Or is that comparing? Is that coveting what someone else has?
Shouldn’t I NOT be comparing myself? Shouldn't I just trust God?
I’m going to tell you what I told my friend today-and just
like I told her, I am open to being wrong, but here is what I think. I think it’s
absolutely okay to acknowledge the pain in our heart’s due to an unfulfilled
desire. The person I was a year ago, would not have said that. I would have
been afraid to admit that I was even mad at Him for not giving me what everyone
else seem to have, with such ease. BUT, I am learning that God created us with
all of these desires and emotions and its okay to lament. There is a whole book in the Bible on it…and
it’s there on purpose. It’s okay to say to God-why not me? Why is this happening?
Have you forgotten me? How cool that in
Psalm 57 David hid in a cave, yelling at God, afraid for us life, because
people he loved had turned their backs on him-he wondered if God had left him,
didn’t see him? And yet God called him a “man after My own heart.” Y’all that’s
cool and gives me freedom and hope. Now, it doesn’t give us freedom to hate or
resent other people who have what our heart desires, but it does give us
permission to feel the hurt and pain, and ask our questions.
As a church goer my entire life I often missed the point. I used
to be so caught up in the “is this a sin?” question that I would gloss over
pain sometimes in fear that it’s wrong to feel hurt by God. Or get so
legalistic in my head, that I would drive myself nuts in trying to figure out
if I was wrong to have certain “feelings” like He had abandoned me. I found the
safest place to yell at Him and pitch a fit, is in His arms. I found healing in
throwing out f-bombs, shaking my fists in furry, while wallowing in His lap. The
truth is He hasn’t abandoned any of us, but sometimes it sure feels like it. I
don’t know why He allows what He does. I think of my friends who have lost
spouses and children. I think of people I met at chemo who are not getting
better. I think of agonizing horrible experiences people have had like rape and
abuse. I consider myself and not able to
conceive because of stupid cancer. My mind cannot wrap itself around some
things, like a soldier seeing entire villages burned to the ground or watching a
brother die by his side. Y’all life can be hard, messy, and confusing. It can hurt
badly. It can feel like He has turned His face. It’s okay to say that. It’s
okay to be a Christian and say that.
The absolute beauty to me, is that He knows, and continues to extend Himself to
us-which makes it entirely okay to allow yourself to feel and grieve. After
this year, I can say with embarrassment, that it has taken a broken engagement
and cancer to pry some of these things out of my hands. So I understand that it’s
not easy. Cancer put things in perspective rather quickly and has a tendency to
shed light on all the bull shit, on all the levels. It’s crazy that something so scary can make
you STOP, and feel His grace and mercy. How a doctor looking in your face, saying you have three years
without treatment, gives you freedom to experience that grace and mercy in your
life.-sans legalism. I hate to make every conversation about cancer, but it’s
kind of a big deal and has completely shifted my world view for life. Pain, abandonment,
and cancer has lead me to MORE hope and freedom. Weird.
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| Amy gave me this stone at Valentine's Day ,the week I found out the cancer had spread to tissue surrounding the tumor. Surgery was no longer an option. Conceiving was no longer an option. Yet there is Hope. |
