Things I'm Loving in October

I started blogging to find my voice in telling my story, because when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I wanted to hide. I didn't want to tell anyone or even say "cancer." I began to find writing emails to my closest friends, to be therapeutic-which turned into the idea to blog. I had no idea, and still don't, if anyone else is even interested in hearing from me BUT for my own sanity-it's important for me to get it out there. I have found so much healing and strength in getting stuff out of my head and "on to paper." A wonderful friend who happens to be an awesome blogger, has encouraged me to try some different formats and to have fun with writing. So, I decided to start with a list of things I am currently loving in October!

1. LulaRoe

I discovered LLR on Instagram and was kind of confused. I loved some of the bright fun patterns, but couldn’t really figure out what it was or where to get it, just knew I thought it was cool. Then, enters a FB friend who wasn’t even a friend, but the daughter of a friend, who was starting her LLR business. I shopped her Facebook sale and got a couple of things that I ended up REALLY enjoying. But the real love for LLR has been since I had my hysterectomy. Y’all, a hysterectomy changes your body. I feel like I am wearing an inner tube around my pelvis. Seriously. The swollen belly is a real thing, even weeks after. And I have read that it can take quite some time for this to go down, even with diet and exercise. My pre-surgery pants do not fit. SO, I bought some LLR pieces because I’m going to need some staple items for when I go back to work. These clothes feel SO good and make me feel pretty!! I’m not kidding! They are flattering for all body types and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that the patterns are limited. So, that means you’re not wearing the same things as everyone else. How Fun! If you're interested check out my friends online boutique. (You can totally shop in your pajamas. LOVE IT!)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/LuLaRoeRobinDavis/

2. Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Tingle

The past 10 months has been crazy for my body-all sorts of things have gone wonky, including my scalp and hair. I cannot explain how grateful I am that I was able to keep a full head of hair during chemotherapy. However, the chemo and radiation dried out my hair severely and then the hormone changes have done a number on my scalp. Now that I am months out from treatment, my hormones continue to be a source of contention, as I’m 37 and in menopause. This has caused me to have patches of red, flaky, irritation on my scalp, almost like psoriasis. These patches itch, flake, and then burn really badly. I tried dandruff shampoo that helped some with flaking, but didn’t soothe. My sister suggested TJs Tea Tree Tingle shampoo and conditioner.

Y’all….it feels so good and smells awesome-like you’re a koala in a eucalyptus tree. (Do koalas hang out in those, I think they do?) Anyway, I have been so pleased with the way it naturally conditions my scalp and hair. The patches have actually gotten better, so I feel like it’s treating it and not just putting a bandage on the issue. AND it is so reasonably priced at around $4 a bottle.

3. Crispy Mornings

Texas pretty much has the seasons of summer, summer, winter, summer. Not kidding. AND this is the time of year where the weather acts like it has a personality disorder. We are having some cool/mild days and then days where it is sunny and 90. BUT, for the most part we are having some crisp(at least for DFW) mornings.

I am really loving being able to take Luna out for a walk and us both feeling like we can go a little further because we aren’t dying, since the doctors have told me to walk as much as possible. These mornings lend themselves to hoodies, cardigans, and an extra cup of coffee.

4. Shannon Dingle’s Blog

I found Shannon Dingle through my blogger friend (as mentioned above),Casey Chappell. Casey connected me with Shannon Dingle after we had sat over lunch and coffee several times discussing the church, social justice, the current election, life, adoption, police brutality, faith, Jim Crow, Jesus, racial reconciliation, national debt, immigration, refugees, white privilege etc. What I have found to be encouraging about Shannon's blog is that she is unapologetically a lover of Christ, but is not afraid to ask hard questions and enter into hard conversations. She is not afraid to say the things that a lot us are thinking and is willing to risk being labeled a (insert giant gasp) liberal because her conviction is to love first. I am learning a lot about myself these days-and feel like I have wrongfully been unteachable in the past and unwilling to listen to other views. I want to be rooted in the gospel, not some American "cultural gospel" that is another from of the prosperity BS that we so often speak against. I’m loving her blog because she is helping me find a voice and tease through a lot that is whirling around in my heart and brain.
http://www.shannondingle.com/blog
http://www.caseychappell.com/

5. This is Us

So being on medical leave, for the second time this year as left me with watching more TV than I have in the past 10 years of my life. I’m a news junkie, but you can only listen to it for so long. AND with this being an election year, sometimes you just need to check out from reality and watch something that is not directly related to current events.
“This is Us” on NBC is so fantastic.

The writing on this show is amazing. I think that some of my love for this show is due to the fact that it follows characters who are 36 years old. And since I am right around that age, I TOTALLY feel like I connect with these characters, the questions they are asking themselves, and the lives they lead and WISH to lead. If you are looking for a meaningful drama that has the perfect combination of twists and turns, this is your show. Kudos to these writers!

6. Nightgowns

Why have I not been wearing nightgowns?? When I found out that the next stage of treatment was a hysterectomy, I sat down with a friend who has had one, for what to expect and tips. One of the first things she suggested was nightgowns. Nightgowns?? I’m a pajama or yoga pants girl-a nightgown? I haven’t worn a nightgown since I was a kid, and isn't that what grandma’s wear? She suggested gowns because when you’ve had major abdominal surgery and swelling, you don’t really want anything touching your stomach. Sounded reasonable, so I got several before my surgery and they have been a LIFESAVER! The ease of having something on, that provides coverage for when you have guests, that does not bother incisions and provides easy access for the restroom is AWESOME.  It has been the BEST tip I received and I am loving them. I am rocking the granny gowns with pride and plan to find some not so granny-ish ones when I’m all healed up. I have found a wide variety at Kohls. So I guess you could say, thanks to Amy Cox, I am loving nightgowns AND Kohls.

7. Cervivor

The power of social media is mind boggling to me sometimes. The power of a hashtag and the ability to search and find those dealing with the same thing is pretty cool. Since my cervical cancer diagnosis, I started taking advantage of social media as I had never known someone with my kind of cancer and felt like I needed to read and connect as much as possible. Knowledge is power, right? So through social media I have found tons of encouragement and camaraderie in the cancer survivor community. The most encouraging has been through an organization founded by Tamika Felder, called Cervivor.

Felder is a cervical cancer survivor who started the organization to bring women together, to help them find sisterhood, and to educate them; preparing them to be the very best advocate possible for cervical cancer and HPV. The website itself is packed full of stories and resources, so helpful for someone with a diagnosis or caregiver. Part of Cervivor is “Cervivor School” where women actually spend the weekend together connecting and learning-preparing them for advocacy. These are held all throughout the states during the year, making them accessible to most everyone. I cannot WAIT to attend one of these!!! Cancer has a funny way of setting you on fire for the things you love, desire, and dream. Part of my dream is advocacy, telling my story, and survivor empowerment. I look forward to learning with other women and refining those skills to be the very best I can possibly be. In the meantime, I am loving cervivor.org and encourage you to check it out!

http://www.tamikafelder.com/

http://cervivor.org/

Dry Shampoo and Coffee

It’s Saturday morning and as I sit with coffee in hand, my mind is still on a reel from the past several weeks. The only thing that keeps coming to my mind is “How did I do that?” This month comes in, in at least the top three most stressful eras I have faced. I teach at what is considered a satellite campus for the district. The first week of school was a MONSTER. Did I mention the internet being down and parents impatiently making requests for registration that I could not grant and administrators frantically demanding paper work?  As a PreK teacher the first day is very chaotic and stressful as there are tears and often blood curdling screams from students and sometimes parents, who are emotional leaving their babies for the first time. This year was no different. Thankfully by day two internet had been restored and we were able to continue with enrollment (notice I said enrollment and not teaching…somehow I was expected to do both. I’m good but not that good). The building had flooded two weeks prior, so we had gotten in with JUST enough time to set up. Documents were damaged in the flood and paper work was missing that had to be redone for registration. I have many English language learners and really cannot explain to you how extremely stressful it is to walk refugee parents with limited language, through online registration. Yet, all of the above, oddly enough, are reasons I love my job. I love the population I serve in a Title 1 program. My heart is there. It thrives there. In the midst of the crazy and the stress, I was beginning to feel like me again. Not the cancer patient. Not that one teacher who had cancer and was out last spring. But me. The old me.'

In the middle of first week chaos, I had an oncology follow-up and results from the biopsies taken the week prior. Unfortunately, the news was not good. Cancer remains. Right now the treatment will be surgery and depending on how surgery goes maybe another round of chemotherapy. My heart is so thankful for an oncologist who will sit and talk to me. Who will shoot straight with me, who I feel has my best interest at heart. I am beyond thankful for a plan forward. I trust her with my very life.

Yet…I am so sick of being sick. Wasn’t I JUST starting to gain some energy? Wasn’t I JUST feeling like me again? And now major surgery?? I am tired of this. I long for normalcy, but I don’t even know what that is. I was looking through photos last night and can’t even pinpoint when things changed. I can kind of get it within a few months, but not really. Part of me wants things to go back to how it was before cancer, but I know I never can. And would I really choose that anyway?  I am not the same person. I don’t even feel like I look like the same woman and on a realistic note, it has aged the hell out of me. Inside, I am changed beyond what I can fully explain. Perspective shift is an understatement. I see absolutely nothing the way I did before. Nothing. Even the, “Oh wait, you still have cancer” thing looks and feels completely different on this side.  Before, cancer was unknown. I didn’t even want to say the word. I was completely fearful, and unsure. I am still those things to an extent, but it feels more familiar. I have been around it a lot, which is the part that makes me feel comfortable yet afraid because I have watched with my eyes what it can do. The fact that mine is still hanging around is unnerving and yes, I am afraid. Yet there IS a plan forward and reasons to be thankful.

Which leads me to lay out the constant conversation I have been having with myself the past few weeks….Can you be afraid and unsettled YET still thankful there is a plan? Can you admit fear and still have faith in the One who holds your very life? Can you admit your weakness, weariness, and frustration and STILL be thankful there is a plan forward in treatment? 

Every single one of those feels like they are in opposition to one another but I feel every single one of those-at any given moment. At any point during my recent days I have been on the verge of either tears of fatigue, tears of fear, tears of frustration, tears of thankfulness and humility, OR cursing out of frustration because people want to either act like I’m their hero (which can feel very uncomfortable) OR like NOTHING has happened, or cursing out of frustration that I have been feeling more like me and now I am getting my legs kicked in again. Now, you tell me….does THAT sound like someone who trusts in God’s plan for her life? Does that look like someone who has it together and is holding fast to her faith?

How beautiful and amazing, that the answer to those questions is a big fat NO…..yet a big fat YES at the same time? See, God is showing me that admitting my weakness is actually strength. Y’all, I’m talking about the kind of weakness where you cry out in tears, throw up your hands, and yell out some F bombs because you got nothing. I’m talking about admitting that you are terrified that cancer will not ever fully go away and you’re bound to a life of treatment. I’m talking about admitting that you don’t understand why God chose you to carry this burden, even if just for a season. I’m talking about weakness, where you say “I’m confused by God’s choice for ME to not have biological kids, but I see first-hand, every day, selfish adults who appear to be baby factories.” I’m talking about asking God why He asked me to do this for a little bit longer.

The beauty of it is that when our hearts get to that point and we are stripped naked with nothing left to hold on to-and we admit out weakness, we have a choice. We can either continue to wallow in those questions and live in limbo and anger OR we can choose to lay them at the feet of the One who made us. Think about it. He made me. He knows I am pissed. He knows I am scared and afraid. He knows I am wondering how in the world He will redeem this? The absolute beauty of the gospel is that I can be honest with Him, He can hold me in my weakness and that I am may NEVER understand any of this….but He will hold me. AND in my weakness, I may crawl out of His lap several times a day, thinking “I got this” “I can do this now”….. and when I finally start seeing how very much “I don’t have it” and how “I can’t do it, “ He scoops me right back up and I bury my head in His lap and weep.

The truth is, I am no one’s hero. I am weak. I do not have it together in any way. I just admitted to you that I am basically on the verge of either tears or cursing, at any given moment. I am not “doing great” and I feel like I hobble home every day and hobble around my house and then fall into bed. I really am mostly dry shampoo and coffee.

The only thing I know for sure, is that my heart desires to stay in His lap. I fail miserably at this daily, sometime multiple times. Maybe you do too? Is that okay? Does that make your faith weak? Does asking questions make you weak? I have personally never felt so close to God than I do now. It’s funny how that is. I have not been able to attend church regularly since February, I have said more F bombs in the last 8 months than I ever have in my life, I am admitting that there is a lot I do not understand and a lot that I want to go away, I am admitting that I am weak and want this cup to pass, and yet….He is with me. Daily I feel Him more than ever. As I hobble around my life, every moment I am aware of His presence and that only by His provision and goodness, am I here. He is here.

A flower I found on a walk this week.

Luna keeping me company after biopsy surgery.